Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Criticizing Cyclists for Their Histograms

What the hell?????!!!

I'm so sick of cyclists and their histograms. Every single one of them out their riding around in the sunshine, luminosity skewed all to one side. Look at this guy. Oooo look at me, look at me, I have pulled all the sharp black peaky lines to one side. And her, with that long slope looking as if it was going to taper off nicely, then BOOM! Right there at the end, a major spike. Lame. Weak. And they don't pay taxes either!

Don't get me started about safety. OK I'll start. If they would just regulate their histograms so that they were more balanced, ergo, fewer accidents! QED. Riding in the sepia-toned equinox sunset like that, serves them right. Flip-flops AND long shadows??? What do they expect? She's on that grayish sidewalk with blondish hair golden in the low sun, no wonder there's a spike on that end of the graph. Statistics, you know what I'm saying? 

Do you realize how many more people would be cycling if these idiots would just take the time to control their histogram? I'd go and talk to them about it but I seriously doubt it would do any good whatsoever. Blissfully unaware, cruising and texting, totally oblivious to the fundamental imbalance they are inflicting on the rest of us.

You think maybe he's compensating for something with that graph? Or that she maybe wants the histogram right there between them? Don't they know that histograms don't even belong on the sidewalk? Sure, I've seen the research that positioning the histogram there increases cyclist visibility by 32%, but have they never read the constitution? Rights: they are in there. We have them, too. And do you think it's a coincidence that they chose black and white for the colors of their histogram? I don't.

It's histogrammists vs. autobalancers out there. How much encouragement do you see, honestly, when the black spikey imbalanced graphs are rolling? I dream of the day when we cyclists come to our senses regarding histograms.

I think of my own kids trying to ride their bikes to school, getting overwhelmed by all the histogrammist cyclists blowing by them, graphs waving in the wind. Call me a retrogrouch, but back in the day we had f-stops and little red LEDs that blinked when you got the exposure close, or even wavy little meter needles with a circle you clicked onto them. We didn't need or want  histograms in our cycling. I tried setting up a Tweed-LED ride, but no one showed up. It's gotten that serious, now that phones have those realtime constantly updating histogram apps on them, cyclists and pedestrians all (I presume) staring into their small screens moving from place to place and position to position until their histograms are just right. But yeah, back to my kids and not riding to school: thanks Obama.

What pushed me over the edge? The cyclist at the light this morning. The light was green but he was stopped in front of me and a line of traffic trying to take the perfect self-histogrammy with the light just right. Hasn't he heard of "filters?" 

Cyclists: think they're so green and healthy, and mellow and happy. But: histograms. They've been told.



  1. I feel as if I should be proud to say I have never had cause to let a device produce a histogram thingy for me.

    1. Then you are already part of the movement, Michael.


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