Saturday, March 31, 2012

The Flat Tire Acquisition Announcement

KAILUA, HI
The Flat Tire International Empire announces the the merger, acquisition, rebranding, relocation, and liquidation of onespeedgo.blogspot.com. Chief Pedal Pushing Pottery Officer (C3PO) limom said, "Our initial efforts will be focused on rebranding the blog to be in line with our corporate communications design and messaging. To that end, I'm announcing its new name: One Speed: Slow. Maybe."


Company vehicle

The blog's former owner/operator, John Romeo Alpha, will be relocating to somewhere in the Hawaiian islands as part of this acquisition. Specific plans for his future role have not been determined at this point. His existing resume doesn't appear to have much to offer to the new organization, although his potential aptitude for digging up clay may be of some minor use.

Likely initial career choice for Mr. Alpha

The Flat Tire International Empire is opening a chain of Shave Ice stands across the islands, and Mr. Alpha has indicated some interest in manning one of them on the outlying islands, as long as he can ride his new company vehicle to and from work each day, and as long as his living quarters are within walking distance of a beach, any beach.


Tour Guide on the Mighty Mo is the other option

Mr. Alpha also expressed interest in a career as a tour guide on the USS Missouri. Lacking any qualifications except for a deep fascination with "the whole battleship deal," this appears unlikely, particularly since his initial site visit resulted in him locking himself in the machine shop and refusing to come out.


Hawaiian energy drink distribution: third possible career choice for Mr. Alpha
  

Likely location for new, temporary HQ for the former One Speed: Go! owner

When asked about possible locations for the relocation, limom said, "We're looking at Wai'ale'ale, since that seemed like a fun place to put someone from Phoenix. Maybe."

The merger, acquisition, rebranding, relocation, and complete liquidation is planned to occur whenever, sometime, maybe soon, bumbye braddah. John Romeo Alpha was unavailable for comment.

6 comments:

  1. Stock options will be available soon.
    I think.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Replies
    1. I think the island air finally got to him.

      Delete
  3. You obviously need a chemist with knowledge of the islands on staff...

    ReplyDelete
  4. Just a bit of fun on April Fools, of course. Although I am currently reading "Six Islands on Two Wheels, A Cycling Guide to Hawaii" by Tom Koch. Just sayin.

    ReplyDelete

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