Saturday, November 19, 2011

Menacing Lycra Ironman Horde Invades Scottsdale!

The vanguard of the menacing lycra Ironman horde! Do not be fooled by his fit appearance or happy demeanor!

Undeterred by the City of Scottsdale Transportation Commission's decision this week to close the easement for cyclists in the Hidden Hills subdivision, an invading horde of menacing, fit, strong, fast, beautiful athletes competing in the 2011 Tempe Ironman invaded Scottsdale's southern flank Saturday morning, putting on a blatant display of just the kind of smooth, human-powered grace and physical coordination that Scottsdale is anxious to purge from its neighborhoods.

A bold proclamation of the devastation to follow

The model for the Transportation Commission's bicycle encouragement schemes: shut it down! Keep 'em out!

Turning away from its recent "Bike Friendly City" GOLD rating, Scottsdale has decided to prioritize being overweight, bitter, and confined to a car stuck in rush hour traffic moving from job to strip mall to suburban cookie-cutter sleeping boxes over cycling. "Damn," they muttered while watching the Ironman cyclists, "Those bastards look fit and strong. Imagine if we had more citizens doing that crap. What would this city look like? What would our neighborhoods look like with more people on bicycles and on foot? This invasion on our southern flank is a disaster, a shambles! No, this shall not stand. We're implementing our V8 Plan to encourage SUVs and pickups so that they can traverse our neighborhoods at higher and higher speeds. With that, we're raising the speed limits on residential streets to 55mph, and banning bicycles on all but the bikeways."

The following surveillance video illustrates the horror that the City is anxious to defend against. Warning: this video contains graphic lycra horde menace. Viewer discretion advised.

Assuming strike position

Happy, muscled, powerful: what kind of message does this send?

Member of the lycra horde harassing an innocent motorist just trying to right hook him while he's in a 112 mile race.

Surveillance outpost Tango Union

Neighbors and property owners, this is your enemy: just look at her! KEEP OUT is the only response for this!

A squad of the menacing lycra horde plotting civil disorder and property value destruction. Oh, the horror.

They ride with determination, stamina, and focus. How can they go so long without TV???

The worst of the worst: beauty, speed, endurance, rolled into a neighborhood terrorizing bundle.

They said "HELLO!" when they rode by me. I know that's really their secret code for "WE WILL DESTROY YOU."

Fit, healthy, graceful, fast: not welcome here.

Bicycles: wasteful of natural resources, responsible for thousands of road deaths each year, neighborhood menaces.

Oh god, they are procreating, multiplying, riding in parks together!

This is the future the City of Scottsdale Transportation Commission will see that we don't get.


  1. SOME say triathletes are merely aliens riding bikes. Bike snob has said as much. All I know is some of them own floor pumps.

  2. Oh the horror!
    The sweat!
    The warble of carbon wheels!
    Flee to the hills!
    Go to DEFCON 1!
    Was that dude wearing a sleeveless jersey AND arm warmers?

  3. brilliant!!
    how can they go so long without tv? beer? chips?


  4. I love the last photo. It's our future bikey lovers.

  5. Steve A, are you suggesting this is an invasion force? Discussion of probes prohibited here.

    limom, in this case, it's Iron Maiden "Run to the Hills" time. And yes, I believe he is.

    steven, I think the aid stations were tuned to reality TV and served various fried snack food products to replenish them.

    anniebikes, hello! These kids were part of a much larger bikey crew of small kids riding around the park. To me, it was awesome, but I think I saw some residents across the street drawing up a petition.

  6. A+++++ Would buy again!
    I notice that AZ parents with bike-wagons follow the same protective escort pattern favored by CA parents w/ bike-wagons.

  7. Thanks Chafed. I believe the protective pattern escort behavior is an evolved form of herd escort or else point goose.


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