Sunday, December 13, 2009

Sweet Mother of the Cosmic Puppetmaster: Crested Ducks

What a Pepsis wasp, angry about being displaced to the number 4 spot by deformed ducks, might look like.

I posted earlier about seeing Duck Dawkins floating down the canal. Some Google-thrashing uncovered the information that he is probably a black crested duck. Further directed research revealed the unmitigated horror that underlies the crest. For example, 25% of them die at birth because their brain is exposed. On this happy site, where you can see a nice photo of a paceline of crested ducks getting prepared to draft, we find this explanation: "The crest is formed from a mass of fatty tissue that emerges through a gap in the cranium." OK, that's it, crested ducks just made the JR Alpha top 10 list of bad pranks by the cosmic puppetmaster:

1) The manner, place, and time of the demise of Thomas Merton.
2) The fire in '67 at Cudia City (26 Men filmed there, the only viable competitor to the Maverick series). A real Western studio burned to the ground, and replaced by tract homes. Why god, why?
3) Crested ducks
4) Pepsis wasps
5) Human morphology
Therefore, with crested ducks now in the #3 spot, I am inaugurating the JR Alpha Foundation for the Amelioration of the Life Condition of Crested Ducks (a subgig of the OneSpeedGo Institute). I don't want your monetary contributions. Some of these poor floating bastards have trouble even eating normally, due to their cranial elaborations. So, if you come across one, just treat him nicely, throw him some tasty duck chow or something, and tell him John Romeo Alpha sent you. Get up. Go ride.

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